december looks like you

“the 3rd of december hits different when you’re the one remembering. i stepped out into the cold today and it felt like the world still knew your name— even if you don’t say mine anymore. i don’t know why this date still pulls me back to you. maybe it’s the way winter reminds me of how warm you used to look even in the smallest moments— the ones I held onto long after you let them fade. they joke about this day, call it heather day or whatever, but for me it’s just the reminder of how you smiled at someone else in the way i always hoped you’d look at me. i watched you fall for him the same way i fell for you— slow, quiet, unstoppable. and i told myself it didn’t hurt even when it did, even when it still does. i was the guy standing a little too close, laughing at your jokes a little too long, hoping you’d notice in all the ways you never did. and you weren’t cruel, you were just honest— you loved someone who wasn’t me. and somehow that made it hurt a little more gently, a little more deeply. time was supposed to fix this, supposed to soften you into something i could forget. but here i am again, on a cold december evening, feeling that old ache tighten like i’m seventeen all over again. i don’t blame you, and i don’t blame him either— i just blame the hope i kept feeding in the dark long after it stopped living. maybe next year i’ll let this day pass without your name brushing against my thoughts. but tonight, the cold carries you a little too clearly, and december still wears your face in every quiet moment. and me? i’m still just the guy who loved you softly, who never said it out loud, who learned that some feelings are meant to stay unreturned.”